What are relationship patterns and how I might notice them:
Many people come to counselling feeling confused and frustrated by their relationships and the relationship patterns they are stuck in. Often people can feel at breaking point and not know how to unravel what is happening in their relationships or how to break the cycle that keeps repeating itself. It can feel like you feel unsteady in your life, not knowing how to navigate the next hurdle, argument or experience.
You may notice that, despite different partners or circumstances, the same emotional themes keep appearing – feeling unseen, over-giving, walking on eggshells, or ending up hurt and disappointed.
It can be easy to blame yourself, however the systems we use often come from early experiences …
When this happens, it’s easy to turn the blame inward and think “It must be me.” In reality, repeating relationship patterns are rarely about fault. They are often rooted in early emotional experiences where we learned how connection works and what we need to do to stay safe or loved. This often occurs at a subconscious level and until we begin to notice reoccuring patterns we may not be aware of what is happening.
We might start to notice the biggest signals first, after a while of struggling but not notice the less obvious or the subtler nuances in the whole process of repeating relationship patterns. We may not be aware of how our early years have affected how we relate to others, who we draw into our lives and how we regularly respond in situations.
As children we develop an attachment style towards our caregivers, we learn ways of being in order to keep ourselves safe. When we are adults we reflect and adapt our attachment style for relationships and sometimes that style is outdated or based on fear or the ways we learned to respond as a child.
As children, we adapt. We might learn to be the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the invisible one, or the one who tries harder than everyone else. These strategies can be incredibly helpful early in life, but later, they can quietly shape adult relationships in ways that no longer serve us. It can be challenging to notice what is happening below the patterns when we are living within them day to day in our lives.
You might notice patterns such as:
• choosing emotionally unavailable partners
• prioritising others’ needs over your own
• struggling to set boundaries
• fearing conflict or abandonment
• feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Counselling offers a space to slow these relationship patterns down and understand them with compassion. Rather than asking “What’s wrong with me?” we begin to explore “What did I learn, and does it still fit my life now?”
In therapy, we may gently explore:
• early attachment experiences
• how your nervous system responds in relationships
• the beliefs you hold about love and worth
• how safety and closeness feel in your body
Awareness is not about blame, it’s about choice. Once patterns become visible, they lose some of their power. You can begin to respond differently, rather than reacting automatically.
A gentle reflection you might try:
Think about a recurring relationship difficulty and ask yourself, “When did I first learn this way of coping?” There is often kindness to be found in the answer.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with support, relationships can begin to feel safer, more balanced, and more authentic.
If you feel this resonates with you, then I warmly invite you to reach out. It starts with a simple conversation. You don’t have to have the right words, you might have a question, a thought or feel curious about what is happening in your relationships.
I offer gentle, explorative in-person counselling in Horsham and Warnham in West Sussex. I also offer telephone and online counselling across the UK.
You can contact me through my website here. Or you might like to read more about how I work here.
If you’d like to follow along on my facebook page for more support with relationship patterns and grounding tips you can find my page Creatively Dreaming, with Helen Taylor here.
